Recap 62- The Underlords
Hey dweebs. Another night of dynamic ducheo and another step closer to attempting to figure out how to save ulrich from becoming an UNDERLORD. We didn’t get a whole lot accomplished (surprise) but there were all the usual aspects of a night in twofortheen. Crappy rolls on both ends, ignoring slavery, brutal murder of a sleeping being, and of course the attempt to ignite something’s balls. Let’s recap. The night begins in the midst of battle against the stone ORC. Dicktoes ditches y’all again. He gone. The stone orc is standing with a foot in the fountain and aldannis wants to freeze his ass with his freezy boots. He tries but it doesn’t work. The fountain is spitting something that can’t be frozen. Maybe it’s not water. Maybe it’s not liquid?? The stone ORC raises its mighty mace, swings it gracefully around to gather speed, targets each one of you and..... fails miserably as a critical fail leaves the orc prone on the ground suffering a light self inflicted head wound. Aldannis sees this as a unique opportunity to end the battle with typical aldannis flair. He ruffles through his packed pack to locate the first item he ever acquired (a set of matches found after waking up in a darkened closet above RONs bar from our first night ever almost 3 years ago). After getting his hands considerably goo filed from all the decaying bullshit he has kept in his pack he is able to find the matches and they surprisingly still work. Aldanis lights his torch and runs confidently toward the most funeral part of any male species. While this song plays in his mind:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RY3XiM7oGj0 He runs with new found confidence toward his goal. He winks at ulrich and Blimpis as he sets the torch inbetwwen the sprawled legs of the stone ORC. Aldannis waits........ and waits...... and nothing happens. ITS A STONE ORC. How in the cartwheeling fuck did aldannis think he could burn stone? Needless to say it didn’t work. Blimpis skips his opportunity to attack as he is indifferent to most non cure or cure related happenings. Ulrich goes apeshit. Though he looks like a cross between brads ball sack in 50 years and a diarrhea ball rolled around in an old man pube factory he feels like a million gold (I’m telling you money is gonna start to mean shit soon so this is a good analogy ((just thought of this :the study of anal is analology)) Ulirch pulls out his weapons whilr running toward the stone ORC. He anaime jumps atop its midsection. He chops, slices, stabs with all the furry of an angry butcher on a meth binge. And leaves the stone orc with nothing but a stone spine holding up his upper torso. Ulrich is splattered with stone fragments and black muck as he returns to fighting position to guard against any attack. His counterparts are dumbfounded by the power, speed and brutality he is displaying despite his aged and fragile appearance. The orc is able to rise to its feet for one more attack and he swings his mace haphazardly but hits the whole group for a significant damage. Aldannis is simply done with this shit at this point as he pulls from his quiver a lightening arrow. In an uncharacteristically epic move he fires (get it) the arrow at the chest of the stone orc. It enters through the path blazed (see? See???) by ulirch and burns (“he’s on fire “ NBA Jan voice) a path of electrical thunder stopping at the chest. The stone orc frantically grabs at his chest trying to pull the scorching (I’m killing it) pain out of his own body. He cows at his own Stoney flesh cutting through his rock layer and into the mucky black goo as it splashed on the walls around you like a possessed sprinkler. Suddenly he stops and freezes as the rest of his body begins to crack. The fixtures have blue light creeping out of them. All is silent for a moment. The. He explodes in a hail of rubble and dust. A grumble enters through the door looks around and gets to work cleaning up this mess. He pays you no mind. You pay him no mind. What the duck are we gonna do now? Ulirch looks like shit. Blimpis is fucking losing it. We are in a hell of a lot of trouble when aldannis is the voice of reason and guidance. But here ya are. You head back to the room of your second most recent murder to the west door. You follow the rules of keeping an eye on your past and enter a clean room with a broken wall showing some stairs. Checking for traps you see a shit ton of traps. Each step is rigged with a trigger that will release a huge blade on your head. You decide to skip it and check out another door. So back to the fountain room you go. You decide to head to another room. This time it’s the control room. Something you can read by the dwarven writing on the small plaque on the door. Upon opening the door you are met by a pit of lo g spikes lining the sunken floor. The floaty boots come in handy yet again as aldannis and Blimpis mount ulrich as he floats up and inches toward the light at the end of the hallway. This time the ducheo use a sense they often ignore as they hear what sounds like humming of electricity. As they enter the circular room at the end of this spiked hallway the spikes stop and the floor is immaculately clean. On the wall is yet another large relief sculpture of 11 underlords looking outward with light coming out of their eyes and mouth. Arms outstretched toward the viewer. In the middle on a simple throne is an aged figure without pants. Upon closer inspection it’s ulirch. Down to the scars on his face it’s him. Just older and seeker looking. His horned helmet I’ll-fitting and slinking off to the left. An up turned chalice lies on the ground at his feet. His eyes are piercing. Holy shit dude. This is fucked. Aldannis legit freaks out. Ulirch is weirder don’t but kinda flattered. Looking down you see Sleeping in a bed is an underlord. He is swiftly murdered in his sleep. Running along the wall is a narroe loft accessible by a ladder. The loft is on the opposite side of the relief sculpture. Ulrich decided to go up and check it out. He inches up and sees a lanky long haired human chained to the railing of the loft mindlessly imputing stones into holes in the walls with small lettering under each hole. It looks like an operators switchboard from the 40s but made of stone and fucking weird. Ulrich decides to leave lanky long hair alone and just head out back to the fountain room. He doesn’t even tell aldannis what he sees up there. Back to floaty boots, back to the fountain room and now to the north wall. A strange symbol of a line with 3 lines perpendicular to the above line over a circle over a triangle bewilders there crew u til Blimpis says “I think that’s a symbol about how the popper comes from above and is collected and then used to give life to underlords or something like that.” Wow. That was easy. Anyway you open the door. Head down another long ass hallway full of baby oriss and see daylight for the first time since entering here. 500 feet above you is a hole allowing the ailing to shine directly down onto a table. The table has a hole in the middle like a morticians table. Under the hole was a large stone pot with some markings on it. This is where ulrich started to lose his fucking mind as he spits out the most insane ass theroies about what he believes is happening here. At one point he said all the underlords are probably victims and he should free them. How you gonna explain that to the 2 that you murdered in their sleep? Then he said something about how the god of the underlord shits in a hole and they eat his shit. I know ulrich loves shit and eating shit or force feeding shit to blind people but this was some straight wacky ass shit. Shit. Aldannis is worried for his friend. If he loses ulrich he will be pretty much alone in the world. It’s almost like he don’t know him but he’s his brother. And they are stuck here in this living hell. Rolen is MIA. Dicktoes is as reliable as a lotto ticket and Blimpis kinda sucks. It’s gonna take some serious doing but aldannis is determined to save his friend. Maybe he will have to take the lead for the rest of the quest as ulrich descends into madness. Maybe he will just ditch everyone and go back to the skinny Jesus bar in respit to live out his days as handsome dan. Maybe he will go back to Xavier City and play punk rock with the giants of kori, or maybe, just maybe he will push onward for the good of his friend, for the good of the legacy of the 4 friends, for the good of all those he’s loved and lost, and for the good of twofortheen. Love you- C$ -back to Recaps